Observations From A Small Island

This Island of ours exasperates me at times it really does.
Now correct me if I am wrong but I thought nearly eight years ago the world entered the 21st Century? I also believed we lived in a fairly tolerant modern society where, as long as it was legal, anything was possible. Well it would appear that while you might be at that position on your north island, over here, where an unholy alliance of tit headed Tories, numbskull NIMBY's and outraged overners run the show, we are condemned to another century in the dark ages.
Because of these fuckwits we dont have a single casino over here anymore. Likewise most of the nightclubs that existed even 15 years ago have gone because these arseholes made them more trouble than they were worth to keep going. It took years of pressure before they would relent and allow the music festivals for which we were once world famous to return and now they are all going apeshit because someone wants to try a small scale pole dancing club. In short these muppets, these halfwitted wankers, want to keep the island in a perpetual 1950 and to hell with the long term consequences for our tourist industry if we dont keep up with competitor resorts.
Take pole dancing as its in the news now. Now to be honest it does nothing for me. I find the thought of a naked woman prancing around a bit of scafolding about as erotic as the lingerie section of a Damart catalogue. It really doesn't float my boat at all. But who the hell am I to say that since its not my scene it shouldn't be anyone elses either? The arguements against us acquiring one of these establishments are both picky and pathetic in the extreme. Ok so there is a school a good ten minutes away from the proposed site (yes County Press, ten minutes away. Not opposite as your story claimed this morning. I know you think we are all thick as pig shit but even I didn't consider that you had such a low opinion of your readers to think that islanders wouldn't have a basic grasp of the geography of their own capital). And? What do they think the promoters of this venue are going to do? Drag kids in for a novel sex education lesson?
Then there is the bullshit that it could attract a dubious clientelle. Do they really think that one strip club is going to turn Newport into a perverts paradise? For fucks sake, get a life.
This really could become the issue that decides whether the Island modernises or not. If it gets passed we may have some hope that we have a future as a holiday resort. That it will show we are capable of moving with the times and that anyone who wants to try something new can do so with the encouragement that people are receptive to out of the ordinary ideas. If the idiots get their way and block it though we may as well all give up, wait for the current staple of biddy buses to die off and then put up the closed down signs on our tourist industry. The next generations of grockles want different things. Do we provide it for them or do we tell them to piss off to Blackpool or Benidorm instead? Do we come of age or do we let the overners and Nimbys and puritanical piss takers win to our long term cost? Isle of Wight Council its over to you. I wont hold my breath......

Filthier that frotting against Phil Mitchell. Rougher than riding Joan Rivers bareback. Its that Friday feeling time!!!!!

Isn't it amazing how thoughts can trancend continents? Just the other day one guy was walking across the Niagra Falls on a high line while at precisely the same time a 20 year old nipper in Sydney was getting a blow job off a 90 year old woman. And at exactly the same time exactly the same thing popped into both their heads.
For fucks sake don't look down!!!!

Vain Vinnie was admiring his tanned and toned physique in the mirror one morning when he noticed a flaw on his otherwise perfect body. While everything else was gloriously bronzed, his old man was still whiter than a nuns concience.
Well Vinnie couldn't be doing with this. Far too vain you see. So he took himself off to the beach and buried himself in the sand with just his Johnson poking out to catch the rays.
Half hour later Ethel and Mabel come walking along the shore. 'Well aint that fucking typical?' says Mabel giving the cock a flick with her walking stick. 'At 20 I was curious about them. At 30 I enjoyed them. At 40 I craved them, at 50 I paid for them and at 60 I forgot all about them. And now I'm 80 and the bastards are growing wild and I'm too fucking old to squat'!!!!

Little Billy, little Tommy and little Johnny are in the playground comparing their fathers.
'Well my dads so clever he can blow cigarette smoke through his nose.' Says Billy..
'Thats nothing' says Tommy 'my dads so clever he can blow cigarette smoke through his ears'.
'My daddys even better than that says Johnny 'He's so clever he can blow cigarette smoke through his arsehole.'
'Oh bollocks' cry the other two in disbelief.
'He can too.' Says little Johnny 'I've seen the nicotine stains on his Y fronts to prove it'!!!!

The Rabbi is conducting the Saturday prayers at the Synagogue when all of a sudden Yossi and Jacob start an almighty row at the back. 'Brothers' cries the Rabbi 'We are trying to show some respect here and you two are arguing like children. What is the matter?'
'I am sorry' says Yossi 'but we are having a theological debate. You Rabbi are a man of great learning.. Could you tell us if black is a colour?'
'Dear god' says the Rabbi 'Yes its in the Torah somewhere. Black is a colour. Can I get on with the prayers now?'
So the Rabbi goes back to the prayers when Yossi and Jacob start having another barney. 'My friends' says the Rabbi 'This is a place of worship and you two are squabbling like babies. What is the matter now?'
'Rabbi' says Yossi 'We are still in disagreement. Could you tell us whether white is a colour?'
'For the love of God' sighs the Rabbi 'Yes according to the scriptures white is a colour. Why the hell do you want to know anyway?'
'Because Rabbi' says Yossi 'Jacob thinks I have ripped him off'.
'Ripped him off?' Asks the Rabbi 'In what way?'
'Well' replies Yossi 'He wont believe me when I tell him I sold him a colour telly'!!!!

And finally the legend that is Disaster Joke From The Archive!!!!

Princess Diana walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint of Fosters.
'I'm sorry ma'am he replies 'We dont sell that. Will Carling do?'!!!!

Sees ya next week!!!!

Dear Anne
I hope you can take this but if you cant I really don't give a fuck. After all people in glass houses and all that. You really are the most odious woman ever to be employed on British television. Do you know that? You love to run everyone else down but lets take a look at you shall we? Or perhaps not. I don't really want to lose my dinner.
Where do we start? The fact that you have all the personality of an out of date Ryvita? Yeah thats right. You might love to take the piss out of Wankest Link contestants for being blander than a baked bean banquet but you aint no better really are you. You have no sense of humour, you resort to nasty sarcasm instead of wit and, lets be fair, your pointless pathetic jibes are just sad.
You love to take the piss out of peoples jobs but lets face it, you have built a whole criminally overinflated career trading on other peoples misery (Points Of View, Watchdog, Weakest Link). I hardly call that Nobel Prize winning stuff either do you? Its hardly going to nab you a BAFTA. you are to serious journalism what paper condoms are to safe sex. You are to game show hosting what George Bush was to World peace. You are the most piss poor excuse for a human being god ever put on this planet.
You think its funny to poke fun at peoples looks. Have you glanced in the mirror recently? It may sound harsh but you yourself are in possession of a face that looks like it has been set on fire, then clubbed out with a baseball bat. Yeah some of the wankwits who inexplicably go on your show might be less than easy on the eye but take it from me you aint no Kylie Minogue either. To say you were dog rough would be doing the mangiest mongrel in all of a Britain a diservice.
You might think its amusing to rip into people for not living conventional lives but hang on a second. Weren't you the one who was a pisshead who lost custody of your child through drinking? Thats normal then isn't it? Not exactly in a position to start slating others there then are you?
No Anne you are a disgrace. You are a bully, a bore and a miserable old hag who has got more milage out of less talent than anyone else on earth. Anne You are the Weakest Link. FUCK OFF.

Pompey

Sorry about that folks. Just needed to get it off my chest.

Its quarter to seven in the fucking morning, its freezing cold, still dark enough for the moon to be brighter than your average Oxbridge kid, and some daft twat has just got on the bus whistling like he's won the pools and celebrated his success by shagging Girls Aloud. I hate gratuitous violence but at this very moment I want to rip his head off and stick it up his arse.
What the fuck is there to be happy about? Everyone on this carriage of doom is off to either work or college, which tends to put a downer on preceedings as it is, and then add the fact that its chilly enough for penguins to say 'fuck that' and book two weeks in Tenerife and you can appreciate that smiles are about as thin on the ground as decent watering holes in Tehran.
And still dickhead keeps whistling. Dear fucking god. Hes murdering 'Three Lions' now. Whats all that about? Excuse my sleep deprived rantings. I need coffee. Fast.....

Please forgive me but I saw a trailer for this 'live Michael Jackson seance' on Sky tonight and damn near put the telly through the window. Has there ever been a television programme anywhere near this grotesque before?
Now I don't know if its possible to talk to the dead. Both my personal beliefs and natural scepticism say its not but since I have no real proof either way I am inclined to keep an open mind. What I do know however is that if Sky and whoever else is involved in this pathetic circus act are prepared to set this gig up they are going to want a 'result'. The chances of it being the biggest fraud since Nick Leeson was in his pomp are incalculable.
And just say the mediums or whoever do get through to Wacko Jacko? Are they going to ask him if he was bumped off and by whom? Are they going to grill him on whether he really was a kiddie fiddler? This may seem like a harmless diversion but the risk is that lives on this mortal coil stand to be wrecked by this charade especially, as is more likely, the whole thing turns out to be a faked stunt with the 'answers' to the above questions and others simply made up to either boost ratings or to suit whoevers personal agenda.
Like I say I dont know if what they claim they will do is possible. Some here will say it is, some that its not and others, like me, will be sat on the fence. All I know is that I would rather the dead stay that way.. The can of worms this show threatens to become, one way or another, will lead to no good. You mark my words.....

As you may have noticed I have put a feejit thingy on my blog on the advice of Sparkles. Its not that I am nosey and want to know where you all come from or anything (and even if I was this thing is monumentally useless anyway. For reasons best known to itself it thought I was in Bristol until I put it right), but because over the last week my stats have been going mental and I wanted to know why.
Well it seems the answer, somewhat unexpectedly, is that silly little parody of the McDonalds 'Just Passing By' ads I scribbled a few days ago, the one that took all of two minutes to write. Its even at the top of Googles search on the topic and now I am thinking where the hell are my royalties? After all any publicity is surely good publicity isn't it? And its not as if the good people at Maccy D's cant afford to slip me a few quid for 'promoting' their business in such a novel way? So why shouldn't I expect a share of the dosh? Jesus, I would even settle for a lifetimes supply of Big Macs, although given that my record is eight of the buggers in one sitting (I was pissed beyond all belief as you may have guessed), their idea of what constitutes a decent weekly ration and mine may not quite be the same thing. Not to worry though. I'm ready to negotiate whenever they are!!!
Alas something tells me I may be waiting a while.....

All good things must come to an end the saying has it and this morning we must test this theory. The Sandown side of the hotel operation closes its doors today for the winter and once more the team will scatter in every direction. Will we all return next year? Its looking doubtful. I guess this season proved to be one too far as it is. We all need pastures new, all seek a different challenge, all require some semblance of normality to be restored to our lives. Five years of working in possibly the biggest freak show ever assembled has been a blast but somewhere in the back of our minds I think all of us have been considering that there is a whole different world out there.
So to Simon, Marshy, Rob, John, Kyle, Craig, Trigger, Marrianne and Charlotte, its been emotional. And to those who were once but are no longer, Gem Gem, Katy, Alicia, Justin and others too numerous to name, you too deserve your mention in dispatches. Ladies and Gentlemen, it has been a laugh from start til last and really you cant ask much more than that.

Right, lets get one thing clear. I hate, I mean really fucking hate, political correctness. It has wrecked all sorts of areas of our lives with pathetic diktats but one aspect that had escaped the meddling of the PC police was comedy.
Until now.
In the last couple of weeks both Frankie Boyle and Jimmy Carr have found themselves in the shit over jokes they have cracked. Why? Lets start with Boyle. Mock The Week, as well as being one of the funniest programmes on telly, is known to live on the edge. It is infamous for humour that may offend. Why then, if you were of a sensitive nature, would you watch it? Its not as if it is that or nothing. There are other TV stations out there.
And then there is Jimmy Carr. Now please forgive me but if you go to one of his shows you must be deficient in the brains department if you think you are going to get good, clean, wholesome, family fun. If thats what you seek go and watch the Chuckle Brothers. Carr too is not exactly renowned for telling knock knock gags. His brand of humour is also colourful. If you were one to take offence why would you bother buying a ticket for his gigs?
Now please dont get me wrong. Of course there has to be certain boundaries as to what constitutes comedy and what is just crude. Some subjects are completely off limits and anyone who tries them deserves all the flack they get, but surely it should be down to their audience to let them know when they have crossed the line rather than self appointed 'moral guardians' who wouldn't know a sense of humour if it slapped them around the face with a wet kipper? Both Boyle and Carr have had to apologise for telling jokes which probably didn't warrant an apology, Boyles especially. Yes you could argue Carrs was in bad taste (and it was) but it was told to an audience who expect that from him. Why then is he having to say sorry for doing his job?
Now of course I have a vested interest in this. I write jokes. Whenever someone comes a cropper or a big fuck up occurs somewhere in the world I am expected by a lot of people to have jokes about it pretty much instantly. As a tragedy joke specialist I know more than most that I have to be careful. Sometimes though I will misjudge my audience and tell a gag that sinks like a lead rhino. That will not ever stop me coming out with new material though. I have certain subjects that I wont touch (racism being the main one) and a whole fund of jokes that I would never ever tell as they are too sick for words, but these are self imposed boundaries. The only thing stopping me expanding them is my own conscience.
And that is why I would ask everyone to get off Carr and Boyle's backs. Yes they told gags that were near the knuckle. Yes their subject matter wasn't the wisest to approach, but in doing so they must have thought their gags were funny. Just because you might not agree does not give you the right to demonise them. We have lost many things in this nation of ours. Does our sense of humour have to be next?

......And today he was smiling on Aruna Dindane. The guy who made the miss of the season a couple of weeks ago, the fella who had thus far failed to hit a cows arse with a banjo, the man who on previous outings had demonstrated to comic effect that he would struggle to score in a brothel, only goes and bags himself a bloody hatrick. Fratton Park went mental, Dindane left the pitch with the sort of smile on his face that would put a Cheshire cat to shame, all is right with the world again and it even almost justifies me shelling out 35 quid on a new away shirt. God I love football!!!!!! Play up Pompey!!!!!

Please forgive me if you are reading this in North America and are currently experiencing multiple orgasms over the 'World' Series, but I am more likely to get excited over a picture of Hillary Clinton naked than I am baseball. What exactly do people see in it?
As far as I can tell it is just rounders for rednecks and having played rounders I know beyond all doubt that the level of skill involved is on the moderate size of minimal. Someone lobs you a ball and you put it into orbit with the aid of a giant wooden dildo. Thats all there is to it. My granny could do that. Its not exactly up there with cricket is it?
And whats all this World Series bollocks? I don't wish to blow my own trumpet or anything but I have always been pretty hot at geography and according to my atlas the world does not start at San Francisco and end at New York. Why then the ludicrous title? Can they not see how daft it sounds? And talking of daft sounding terminology, who the hell had the misguided idea that 'Philadelphia Phillies' was a knock out name for a sports team? Jesus I wish I had his imagination.
Oh well best of luck to both the Phillies and the New York Whogivesashits or whatever their name is. May the best team win and all that crap. I'm just going to catch a boat now to watch Pompey play Wigan. No offence baseball but I think I will confine my spectating to proper sports rather than overhyped kids games.