PLEASE DO NOT READ IF OF A DELICATE DISPOSITION!!!!

I doubt if I'm the only one but whenever I go to a large scale outdoor event and find myself in need of showing Archie to the Armitage, my heart always sinks whenever I come into sight of a line of portabogs. I wonder if the fella who invented plastic would have been quite so dilligent in his work if he knew his creation was going to be moulded into a range of temporary turd holders? After all, has there ever been a more gruesome place to go for a Gladys Knight? I dont think so. On balance I would rather drop my grundies and squat over the sewerage farm. For one thing it would be a hell of a lot more hygienic.
For those of you Who have never sampled the dubious delights of dumping in a chemical khazi, this is what you have to look forward to.
In any given row of 50 portabogs, 49 will not have any loo paper in them.. This is gods way of telling you you should have been more organised and bought your own. A lesson you invariably forget until its slightly too late. The 50th will have bog roll in it but unfortunately some fuckwit will have dropped it down the pan. And then flushed. In many ways this is more disappointing as it is clearly demonstrates what could have been.
Out of the same 50 dunnies, 15 will be soaked through where a succession of muppets have missed the target with an aim akin to Stevie Wonder on a rifle range. A further 15 will show evidence, often in the most novel of places (on top of the cistern usually), that the previous user never quite mastered potty training. While another ten will show in graphic detail what its last inhabitant had for breakfast. A further six will have been used for some form of sexual congress in the very recent past judging by the johnny wrapper blocking the sink and the thong hanging off the lock (hey, who said romance was dead?), and another three will have been the scene of some heartbreakingly stupid drug taking clearly demonstrated by the fact that the whole thing looks like an explosion in a sherbert factory. The final one will be laying on its front with some poor bastard still inside where a load of jokers have decided he needs a wash. On no account though must you help him out as the experience tends to make them lose all sense of reason and attempt to plant a haymaker in your direction. If you must assist him go and get sucurity. They are paid to be thumped by shit scrape flecked plot losers.
As experiences go it aint up there with swimming with dolphins or copping off with a supermodel and yet thousands upon thousands of eejits pay good money to sample this at festivals every summer. Call me lacking in an adventurous spirit if you like but I think I will give it a miss!!!