Perhaps its because I seldom use such things (the Scouts motto of Be Prepared means I always have precautions in my sky rocket for those occasions when my Stellavision tunes in spectaculary), or perhaps its because I usually enter a bar to get hammered rather than to broaden my sexual knowledge, but I really hadn't noticed how wildly the range of products available in pub johnny machines had increased until last night. It was actually kind of educational.
Now before you ask I wasn't on the pull. A load of hairy, tattooed, pint swigging, marathon swearing pool players really doesn't do a lot for me, especially the male ones. But we had our old kitchen porter with us who at 18 is still easy enough to wind up and I thought a 'gift' to be presented to him and his missus in front of everyone would be a nice touch.
But what to get? At one time the range in pub bog vending machines was condoms or nothing. Now its like doing a tour of an Ann Summers catalogue.. The first pub we went in was selling mini dildos out of their contraption which would have been ideal except for the nagging doubt at the back of my mind telling me that if I managed somehow to set it off in my pocket before I could give it to him, I was going to look the pervert. The next one was even worse. This machine was churning out Blue Pills. Now I realise they most likely have all the potency of an M and M but doesn't that strike you as slightly tacky and more than a touch potentially humiliating? Imagine sneaking in the khazi to procure a packet of these 'sweeties' and then all your mates burst in with camera phones? Facebook could well go into meltdown on the back of that.
At the last pub however I found just the ticket. A vibrating cock ring. From what I can gather the gentleman slips it on his member before getting down to business and to that end I hope it gave Lloyd many seconds of enjoyment.
I think I shall go and get a cold shower.......